Wednesday, March 19, 2003
That's The Way The Money Goes
Each year the Office of National Statistics publishes its Retail Price Index. It's a year-by-year comparison of the going rates for a selection of 650 items considered to be a staple part of your and my shopping basket. This year, the big-sellers-we-simply-cannot-live-without appear to be caffe lattes, dental insurance, car CDs, and slimming-club fees.
The lattes aside, none of this is going to be of much interest to your average Soho queen. So, for inclusion on next year's list, I'd like to suggest some of the products and prices which really do matter on Old Compton Street, in ascending financial order.
Packet of Condoms and Lube Cost: Free, from most of the capital's gay bars. Otherwise priceless. Do not leave home without them. Use them every single f**king time. Otherwise you're a total dickhead.
One beer at the Rupert Street Bar Cost: 3.30GBP
One beer-served-with-a-Smile at the Rupert Street Bar. (We regret to inform you that this service is currently unavailable.)
Bottle of TNT "room odouriser" Cost: 6GBP and a blinding headache.
Several white pills. Hey-trust-me-these-are-the-farkin'-business-mate-I-mean-like-I-wouldn't-do-you-no-wrong-now-would-I-these-mothers-well-I-ask-yet-you-wouldna-credit-it-shiiiiit-I-mean-look-like-remember-them-Doves-in-the-nineties-yeah-well-like-these-are-like-massively-more... blahblahbloodyblaaaah. They look like aspirin, they taste like aspirin and - hey, guess what? - they are aspirin! Cost: 4 – 8 GBP each (depending on who you know/ how gullible you are)
Pair of 2(x)ist knickers which guarantee you an instant six-pack, bubble-butt and stupendous package. See the picture on the box? That'll be me when I put these on. Honest. Cost: 25GBP
Minicab ride from the centre of town to Zone Six with someone who, in the cruel unforgiving light of a come-down dawn looks like… oh, sod it, you're too trashed to care, and you really don't give a toss. In fact, neither of you will be capable of giving a toss. Cost: 30GBP
T-shirt from American Retro, several sizes too small, created expressly to point you out as a Sad Old Queen trying to keep up with "the youngsters"
Cost: 45GBP and whatever remained of your self-esteem
Approximately one hour in the company of Shane whose winsome good looks you will undoubtedly find within the QXTRA section of this esteemed periodical. Cost: 80 - 120GBP and a nasty itch three days later.
Leather "Heavy Duty" Suspension Harness from Expectations. ("Buckle Fastening, Large D-Rings On The Shoulders, Waist And Back. Enables wearer to be suspended either vertically or horizontally. Available in one size only and is fully adjustable.") Cost: 135GBP
Membership of Shadow Lounge a terribly swish and stylish club in the heart of London's Soho. Cost: 300GBP and a crashing sense of disappointment.
Alternatively, you could just go out and get a life instead.
Or another caffe latte.